My husband and I just celebrated our 14-year anniversary a couple of days ago. That day caused me to pause and reflect on the life that we’ve shared together. Wow. There have been so many ups and downs. We’re scarcely shadows of the people we were standing in that flower-laiden gazeebo on that warm day in July. We had no idea, as we stood there at the altar, professing our love for one another, what love really was. We gave little thought to the life-long commitment we were making and we gave no thought whatsoever to God’s role in this holy union. The words, “to have and to hold from this day forward, for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, ’till death do you part…” we agreed to them with no clue as to the depths of which those vows would be tested and shaken. It was more of a ritual to go through than it was a convenant for us on that day. How could we commit to something so amazing and wonderful and serious as marriage with such a light-hearted attitude? It was for a lack of knowing our loving and faithful God.
Through the years, there were screaming, cussing battles that no one ever really won. There were harsh, smug, destructive words spoken. We would delight in how clever we could be with the next insult we would hurl at one another. There was hatred and disgust and, possibly worst of all, there developed an indifference toward one another. There was a constant battle for control. We were tightly bound with every spirit of addiction imaginable. We were in a financial mess with nothing to show for it but the drugs in our bodies. Adultry entered into our lives along with so many other vile and disgusting manifestations of our sinful existence. We were a complete mess.
Why we stayed together? I have no clue. It still amazes me that we would both be so unhappy, and yet we clung so tightly to the very things causing us so much pain – the drugs, the struggle, each other.
But what God hath joined together, let no man put assunder.
It took us reaching the point of utter despair, where we could sink no lower and our lives could be no more difficult to bear…and then…that’s where God shows up and does what He does best. He took our mess and used it to draw us near to Him. He allowed us to separate so that we could each come to know Him, individually. We were apart for almost three years and, during that time, God showed us His mercy and His mighty power of love and forgiveness in a way that we never would have known if we weren’t right on the edge of our own destruction.
When I finally allowed God to enter the picture, I found myself able to forgive things that I never dreamed possible. Things I once assuredly proclaimed, “I could forgive anything but that,” were now able to be forgiven. I also discovered that I wasn’t quite the martyr I thought I was. I had fault in the whole mess too. I helped to create the monsters that overtook our lives. I had so much baggage that I carried around with me, even before I married this man, and I was finally able to recognize it for what it was and let it go.
Eventually, I was able to see my husband through God’s eyes and I realized how incredible he was. This guy, who bore the weight of the world on his broad shoulders, needed me to support and love and encourage him. I’d spent the previous seven years tearing him down and wating for him to fail and pointing out his every mistake…now I was transforming into his cheerleader, his friend, and his confidant.
It wasn’t an easy process, nor did it take place overnight. I was fortunate enough to be involved in the right church, with the right people, and the right study right when I needed it. God opened my eyes. He showed me how to trust Him and allow Him to make things right by starting with me – the only person I really had the power to change. My flesh screamed from time to time, but God was taking the mess we had made and He was turning it into a blessing. He was making our misery into a ministry that we could help others with to give them hope.
Love is not this gushy, butterfly kind of feeling. Its something that develops over time when you’re willing to give the best you have to someone else and expect nothing in return. Its trust and its forgiveness beyond what you think you’re capable of. Its seeing other people through the Father’s eyes and discovering the beauty that is hidden behind a false exterior. Its fighting and letting go. Its letting go of emotional junk and hanging on to what’s amazing about another person. Its so many things that I can’t even describe. But its not what we had when we got married. I’d venture to say, its not what most couples have when they get married. They probably think they have it, but I don’t think you really discover real love until many years and trials and victories into a marriage.
God saw us at the altar that day and He was probably just shaking His head saying, “You have no clue what you’re doing.” But He loved us before we loved Him and He held us together through the years. And now, well, we’re far from perfect but we’re so very much in love. We are no longer thinking solely of ourselves. We are no longer taking one another for granted. And we are recognizing the hugeness of God’s involvement in this three-part covenant. We both know we cannot make it without Him at the helm.
So now I just look at my husband and I think of how handsome he is. I see the potential for greatness within him. I see a heavenly calling upon his heart. I see his desire to protect me. I see myself guarding his heart and making sure no one speaks ill of him. I find myself looking to him for approval and for answers. I see us growing old and gray together and loving one another more and more every day. I’m so glad for this place where we are in our marriage. It was a heck of a way to get here, but we’re here now and I love this big teddy bear of a man that God has given me. I’m so thankful God didn’t let us destroy this wonderful relationship we’ve been blessed with. Here’s to many, many more years together. I love you, Chuckie.
220 Gal 