Sometimes I wish God didn’t know everything in my heart. Some of the things that are in there are pretty messed up. I don’t like to even admit them to myself, let alone to anyone else, least of all not to God. I want to be so good. I want to be so right in His eyes. Like a little girl, seeking her Father’s approval. But I’m still messed up inside. Every time I think I’m doing great and making progress, I find a weed that needs pulling. Sometimes those weeds seem to come from nowhere. I mean, its like they just pop up and, here I am, all screwed up again. Where do these things come from?!
I know I’ll never be perfect. I know God is showing me the weeds to help me get better – to grow and mature. I know He loves me anyway and He forgives me for having the weeds. But I just that hate the weeds still exist. After all He has done for me, I just want to be good so that I can glorify Him. I want to be good so He can be proud of me. I want to be good so I can…well, I guess I want to be good because I’m still seeking to somehow earn God’s love and forgiveness with my own goodness. How dumb is that?! I could be as good as gold and still never earn all He has done for me. I can’t repay Him. I can’t even begin to fathom the hugeness of all He has done for me…things He has done in secret, things He has saved me from that I’ll never even know.
So here I sit in the garden of my heart and I’m weeding – again. I know this painful process will produce beautiful fruit one day, but the dirt road that leads to that day is a long, familiar road. I keep finding myself back on it, discovering new weeds and pulling them out, one by one.
But, in my mind’s eye, I can look beside me and I can see that I’m not in this all alone. God is with me. He’s kneeled down beside me and He is helping me. His hands are dirty and He looks at me and smiles. He’s not mad at me. He wants to help me get these weeds pulled out, down to the very root, so that I don’t have to go back and do it again. He’s providing me with living water to quench my thirst as we work together in the heat of the day. He’s my comfort and my shelter, providing me with shade to protect me and strength to continue on in the process.
Some days I wish I had a brush hog so I could just rip through these weeds and be done with it all…but if I did that, I would miss out on this precious time with my Lord, side-by-side, taking our time and doing the job right.
I love these days I spend with You, Lord, and I’m trying. I really am. And I know that You know that. Thank You for accepting me, just as I am – weeds and all. But thank You for not allowing me to continue on like this. I know what You have to offer me is so much better than anything I could ever have without You.
220 Gal 