The Weight of the Wait

Melancholy. That’s how I feel today. Things aren’t the worst, they’re not the best, they just are. I don’t doubt that God is at work in several different situations in my life, but the current state of affairs in a few areas leaves me feeling rather blah. As a Christian, I wonder if this feeling is okay. I mean, we’re supposed to trust in God, and remember that He works all things together for the good of those who love Him. So, I love Him and I trust Him. Still, at the end of the day, my heart is overshadowed with a heaviness…a sadness…awaiting change. Awaiting the “working together for good” that I know is coming. But the weight of the wait sure is heavy.

Sometimes, I think God has done such a work in my heart–turning it from hardened stone to tender flesh–that He overdid it. I feel so much. Some of these feelings are great, and some of these feelings are so strong and so deep and so full of emotion, they really hurt. But I wouldn’t want to go back to being a selfish, unfeeling person again. I’d much rather experience the pain of loving and caring and even being hurt to being cold and unmoved.

When the righteous cry for help, the Lord hears and delivers them out of all their troubles. The Lord is near to the brokenhearted and saves the crushed in spirit. Many are the afflictions of the righteous, but the Lord delivers him out of them all. He keeps all his bones; not one of them is broken. – Psalm 34:17-20

I read this scripture and I’m reminded that being a Christian doesn’t mean we can’t be real anymore. Sometimes, saved people who are actively believing for something to happen still feel brokenhearted and crushed in spirit. This verse even says that our afflictions are MANY. (Ugh. That doesn’t sound so encouraging!) But the fact is, this scripture is an encouragement. First of all, it reminds me I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m not “non-believing” because I’m being honest about how I feel. BUT…I’m choosing not to allow my feelings dictate my attitude nor the final outcome of these troubles, and I can make that choice because this scripture also tells me that My God hears me and He is near. Not only will He deliver me from these troubles, but, twice, this scripture tells me, He will deliver me from ALL my troubles.

In the meantime, I refuse to walk around, eyes downcast, depressed, and defeated. I will smile when I see you. I will still laugh and I will pray for strength on my weak days. I will continue, regardless of my feelings, to believe that my Comforter is in the process of working everything together for my good. Whatever the reason for the trials, there is always a greater purpose…a farther-reaching element that I won’t even necessarily know about this side of eternity. But I trust Him. I know He is good, and I know He is faithful to complete the work He has begun. 

Thank you, Lord, that you are near, and I know, the part where You will deliver me out of all these troubles is on its way.