I’ve had quite a bit of difficulty writing this entry. It’s taken me almost three weeks to feel as though I even have anything to say. I strive to keep my attitude generally upbeat so as to inspire and encourage others. However, these last few weeks, I’ve been engaged in a battle of my own and, because of it’s very nature…it’s closeness to my heart and the vastness of it’s importance…I’ve found it particularly difficult to maintain my generally optimistic outlook. Every time I would get to a place where I would begin to feel hopeful and strong, almost immediately, something would come from behind and take me out at my knees. But, I suppose, anything that brings us to our knees is just the thing we need to get us in the proper position.
When things are going well, we tend to slip into a type of “mental-hammock,” swaying in the breeze, sipping on the goodness of God’s blessings. However, in times of struggle…when things are really difficult and we find it hard to even know how to pray…we scratch at the dry ground of our hearts, looking for a trickle of that Living Water. When we find it, we gulp down every drop, then continue to dig deeper and deeper, desperate for more. I hate to admit it, but the pages of my Bible have turned more wildly in the past few weeks than they’ve turned in quite some time. I fall asleep some nights with scripture in my lap and my highlighters going dry.
But beyond the main issue, I couldn’t seem to shake the feeling that there was something more going on. I just couldn’t seem to figure out what it was. There was clearly something I was missing and, for the life of me, I couldn’t put my finger on it. I’ve had plenty of struggles and, by God’s grace, I’ve made it through. But, this time, the struggle seemed to have me. It was gripping me by the throat and depleting my joy and hope just as fast as I could muster it. I prayed and prayed and prayed. It wasn’t that I had to have an instant result; I just wanted to know what was preventing me from finding that peace that surpasses understanding?
Then, God began to reveal to me, through various sources, what was going on. In the midst of all my praying, I forgot to believe. My faith was tucked away somewhere, lying dormant and useless. Much to my horror, I realized I wasn’t really trusting God to answer my prayers. This is a pretty embarrassing admission for someone who has been a Christian for quite some time now…someone who knows better! I got so wrapped up in the daily struggle that I began to focus on the problems instead of my Solution.
My pastor put it perfectly in his sermon this past weekend. He said, “Many people view God in light of thier need. But what you need to do is to view your need in the light of God.”
I let my need get so big, it became bigger than God in my head. So, of course my prayers weren’t being answered. I was being double-minded, asking God to take care of something and, deep down, doubting he could.
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for he who doubts is like a wave of the sea driven and tossed by the wind. For let not that man suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways. – James 1:5-8
Man. I can’t believe it! I would never have thought of myself as being doubtful or double-minded, but that’s exactly what I was doing. What kind of mature Christain forgets to enact their faith? Of all things?! Well, we probably all do, from time to time. But it’s a lot easier to admit when it’s someone else. So I really had to slow down and repent, first of all, for all my faithless whining, and ask God again, with a renewed heart and a believing spirit, to please help me with this situation.
What a difference a day can make. I feel so much better…so much more capable of withstanding this storm. It’s not over in the natural realm yet, but, finally, I am beginning to feel that inner-peace that I was missing so badly. And in my world that seemed to be falling apart, I can now view these circumstances in light of His greatness and I’m hopeful once again.
Thank you, God, for painful revelation about the things I need to fix. It hurts when you reprimand me, but it feels SO much better after I’ve addressed the issues that are out of alignment with your Will and your Word. You are so patient and you are Love. I trust you – and I mean it this time.
220 Gal 