You see, when I was younger, I longed for love and acceptance. I wanted so desperately to be desired that I would do anything to feel, even if only for a moment, as though I was an object of adoration. Cloaked in darkness and unaware of the damage I was doing each time I entered into yet another relationship, I allowed myself to be used, time and again, in some desperate hope of one day finding the one who would care enough to see through my false persona and love me for who I was.
Though I had been to church, on and off again, as a young person, I had no personal understanding of who Jesus really is nor all that He did—let alone that He did it all for me. The need to feel cherished and desirable, it wasn’t an evil need. It was the most basic and desperate need in my life…dare I say, in all of our lives. I just didn’t know how to fill it with the proper kind of attention. I didn’t know that I could seek that kind of fulfillment from the Lord and receive such limitless love.
But since finding my Jesus and entering into a passionate love affair with Him, I’ve found a place where I need search no further. I know that He has seen my blackest sins and yet he has nothing but the purest, most tender affections for me. He really asks me for nothing but the return of my love and it’s so amazing! I’m free from the physical desire to try to extract from man that which only God can give me. Yet…occasionally, I find myself, like Gomer in the book of Hosea, picking up the garments of a whore and placing them back on my spiritual being.
I’ve sneaked out of the security of the chambers of my Lord only to lurk in the dark alleys of temptation. As I imbibe the sweet lies of the silver-tongued devil, I find myself yearning to lie with him. He offers me idols of financial security and popularity. Wafting me from the safety of my believing friends, he wants to get me alone and offer me the world. I don’t notice the chains attached to the bracelets he slips on my wrists as he invites me view unsavory images and engage in loose talk. Shackles clamp shut around my ankles as he tells me one little lie won’t hurt; I have a right to my anger; and God will understand. The vile smell of his lies begins to awaken me to his trickery, but it’s too late. I’ve already gone so far with him! As he slips a noose around my throat, he chorts out a guttural laugh and claims me as his prize, then leaves me devastated and humiliated.
Fully awakened to the reality of who I’ve been with, I feel tarnished by the filth his presence has left behind. How will I ever come clean? I shudder in the cold, dank corners of my heart…until…I notice I package by the door. Hosea….more rightly, “Hosanna”…He knows where I’ve been. He knows what I’ve done. He should hate me—shouldn’t He? As I look to Him, I find that His knowledge of my sin doesn’t stop Him in His relentless pursuit of my heart. He doesn’t cringe at the sight of me. He doesn’t turn away in disgust or yell or leave. No. The fact of the matter is, He knew I was a whore before He took me as His own, and now, outside the door of my shame, He has left me gifts of grain (increase and blessings of the harvest), new wine (revelation of God’s Spirit-filled word), and oil (the anointing of the Holy Spirit).
In order to receive all He has left for me, I have to come out of the place in which I’ve been shacking-up. I must walk through the door of my shame and allow Him to cover me in clean garments. I know I don’t deserve these precious gifts, yet He promises me that He bought them for me at a great price and it would give Him great pleasure if I would just receive them. It’s so hard…knowing what I’ve done…knowing that HE knows. But He ushers me home, He washes me with water, and He covers me once again in His righteousness. Softly, He reminds me, even after all I’ve done, that He will never leave nor forsake me.
This is the picture of my God…a God who truly loves whores and liars and fallen idolaters. Has been doing it since the beginning of time. Adam and Eve pursued their own desires over God’s perfection. Noah chose drunkenness, David chose Bathsheba, Solomon chose wives from foreign lands. The betrayal of Israel is seemingly endless! God’s chosen people continually turned away from His instructions, forsaking the law, marrying those they were told to destroy, building idols—even within moments of experiencing great displays of His power and love. But did He ever give up on them? No. He allowed them to reap the consequences of their sins, but He never quit pursuing them and He never left them without the hope for an eventual victory.
I don’t understand why He even bothers with us. I can’t fathom forgiveness of such repetitive, painful betrayals. But His thoughts are not like our thoughts; His ways are far above our ways, and because of that, He receives us back unto Himself, time and again. He places rings of sonship upon the fingers of his prodigal children and covers their bodies with robes of righteousness. He loves us even unto death on the cross…where He gave His own life so that through His humiliating, torturous death…through the shedding of His perfect, sinless blood…and through his victorious resurrection…we—though we were yet sinners—may live. He loved us before we loved Him. He loved us before we were made righteous. He loved us in our sin and He had a better plan for us before we were born. Knowing what trouble we would be…He loved us nonetheless.
There is no other love like this…and though I may not be a perfect lover, it is most certainly the deepest desire of my heart to pursue Him with all I have and all I am and all I do. And when I fall—because I surely will—I’ll just use it as an opportunity to get better at getting back up…always keeping in mind that His forgiveness is not a crutch, nor is it a license to continually fall into blatant sin…but it’s a gift that He makes available to his children as they grow into the fullness of the beauties He created them to be. Through daily seeking Him and relying upon His strength, He is so good to provide me with the ability to shorten the distance, the impact, and the recurrence of my falls. And I know I don’t deserve any of this…but because of Love’s blood, I’m made right as rain.
Thank you for your relentless pursuit of Me, Lord. Thank you for the love that continues beyond betrayal and seeks to restore and rebuild and renew. Thank you that you don’t just wink at my sin, but you help me overcome it, even to the point of being able to use it to help help others. Thank you for not leaving me where I was…but for taking me in, for loving me through, and for promising to stick with me until the good work you began in me is made complete in You. You are my all in all!
*”The God Who Loves Whores” is a chapter from the book, “Untamable God” by Stephen Altrogge.
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