In all this time of knowing him and in all he has done for me, it still amazes me that he never really wanted anything from me in return. Well, actually, there were a few things…Like any friend, he just wanted me to spend time with him, trust him, and take his good advice. But the truth is, he challenges me and I don’t always like that. I mean, sometimes, I just want to do what I want to do and not have him telling me how I could do it better. There are even some times, as I mentioned previously when he’s encouraging me to dig deeper and push harder, I’ll just go silent. I’ll act like a little kid who pretends to be asleep so their parents will carry them in from the car and I’ll play deaf. He’s just talking away and I’m staring off into space like, “Huh? Oh. I’m sorry, did you say something?” Or I’ll turn up the music or TV really loud and be like, “What? I can’t hear you!”
I know it’s a little rude, isn’t it? I mean, his advice, it’s always good and it’s always in my best interest. But if truth be told, sometimes, I get scared by the grandeur of his ideas for my life. He thinks so much more of me than I do. He sees so much more potential in me than I do. I screw up a LOT, and sometimes, I get afraid that he might not bail me out this time–even though he has never left me in a jam without helping me get back on my feet. He’s so faithful to me…and I’m such a selfish jerk, that I often take him and his kindness for granted.
His name is Holy Spirit, and he deserves a much better friend than me. When I catch myself acting this way, I feel so much shame. I want to back away from him and hide out until he forgets. But he never forgets. So eventually, I go to him, and I apologize for being such an idiot. Of course, being who he is, he doesn’t stay mad. He just opens up his arms and tells me, “I love you, sweetie. Come on now and let’s try this again.”
It’s my goal in this life to be more aware of this friend who sticks closer than a brother. It’s my goal to never again ignore him or shut him out when he’s trying to speak. Really, that kind of stuff just prolongs my pain anyway. Every day, I want to give this friend my unequivocal “yes,” even when my mind says, “there’s no way.”
I will never be the friend to him that he is to me, but I hope to be a better friend than I have been. One day, I want to believe all the amazing things he says about me, and I want to accomplish all the dreams he has birthed in my heart. But for today, I just want him to know, “I know you’re there and I know you’re speaking to me. I’m afraid, but I trust you. I don’t yet fully believe all the things you do about me, but I’m trying. Now let’s go do this thing…You and me…because I surely can’t do it alone.”
Trust God from the bottom of your heart; don’t try to figure out everything on your own. Listen for God’s voice in everything you do, everywhere you go; he’s the one who will keep you on track. Don’t assume that you know it all. Run to God! Run from evil! Your body will glow with health, your very bones will vibrate with life! Honor God with everything you own; give him the first and the best. Your barns will burst, your wine vats will brim over. But don’t, dear friend, resent God’s discipline; don’t sulk under his loving correction. It’s the child he loves that God corrects; a father’s delight is behind all this. – Proverbs 3:5-12 (MSG)
220 Gal 