God’s Gym

In this session, the Punisher was really pushing the limits on my legs. I have all the excuses in the world when it comes to my lower body workout, including the fact that I have degenerative arthritis in both of my knees and the cartilage in my right knee is completely shredded. But this guy doesn’t allow me to use these “handicaps” as excuses. He has seen what I’m capable of and he knows when I’m just playing up my injuries. I don’t do it on purpose…honestly, I don’t…but sometimes I’ll catch myself giving up before I’ve tried because I don’t believe I’m capable of succeeding in the task at hand.

So, the Punisher told me to take this long barbell thing (yes, that is the technical name for it), with weights on each end, place it across the back of my shoulders, and do squats with it. What? Are you serious? I don’t actually backtalk my trainer, but in my mind I’m thinking, “Dude, I can barely do squats at all…now you want me to bear this heavy weight on my shoulders and squat? Ugh!”

So, with my mouth, I didn’t say a word, but I did give him a little disbelieving laugh (much like Sarah gave God when He told Abraham she would conceive a child from her own womb). But the whole time I was going about doing these squats, I just kept thinking about how hard it was and “doesn’t he understand I can’t do this?” Then he said, “Look at your eyes.” What? “In the mirror, look at your eyes.” So, I did. That’s when I saw it. It was this sad, little, pathetic look of defeat. I had my eyebrows pushed together, one brow’s inner-corner slightly lifted, they were actually pleading, and I looked like a total loser.

I didn’t like what I saw. My face showed the defeat that I felt inside…the defeat I didn’t realize was showing outwardly. I averted my glance…he caught me. “Look at your eyes!” Dang it. I don’t want to! That girl in the mirror…she’s pathetic! He had to tell me a couple more times and finally, I realized, he wanted me to see the predetermined defeat that I had spread across my face and change my countenance so I could push my way through the rest of the exercise. So, finally, I pulled both eyebrows down, tightened my lips, set my stance, and pushed my way through the last few minutes of torture.

It took a couple of days after that experience for God to reveal to me all the things He had for me to learn from that moment, with those few words, from someone who didn’t even realize the lasting impact they would have on me.

The Holy Spirit is the ultimate personal trainer. He pushes me to the very edge of what I think I can do, and then He helps me go a little further. He encourages me, He strengthens me, He challenges me…but, ultimately, accepting the challenges and doing the hard work, that’s up to me. Sometimes, God allows me to struggle–with pressure bearing down on me like the weights at the gym–but its only to help make me stronger. And just as the trainer in a gym will help lift the weight from your chest when you’ve pushed yourself to the point of exhaustion, God will not allow me to be crushed under the burden of my doubts, fears, struggles, or lack of faith. I can give Him all the excuses in the world about my “handicaps”–my past, my fears, my perceived limitations–but He knows what I’m truly capable of and He will gently continue to push me beyond what I think I’m able to do until He has ushered me into a completely new level in Him.

In the process of overcoming life’s obstacles, I’m getting better at managing to keep my mouth shut (which is no small miracle in its self!)…but that predetermined defeat that I wear on my face from time to time…my downcast eyes, my slumping shoulders, my overall countenance…it tells Satan I don’t really believe what I say I’m believing. Not only does that give the devil a foothold (which, if let go long enough, can turn into a stronghold and hinder my progress), but it also gets in God’s way, keeping Him from moving on my behalf.

I couldn’t shake the feeling I had when I saw that look on my face in the gym. It was so unsettling. Asking God to reveal to me why that moment was so important, He softly whispered…”Look at your eyes.” Immediately, I knew that He was showing me the defeat that I will sometimes walk around in before I ever even try. He revealed to me how He tries to show me my shortcomings for the purposes of making me stronger and I avert my gaze, ashamed by what I see. I don’t want see that I’m not really believing. I don’t want to admit I’m not operating in the kind of faith that I want to operate in. I don’t want to see that I’m making God so small…too small to help me overcome whatever obstacles I’m facing.

But as God told me to look at my eyes, I knew that He was encouraging me to take a more honest look at how I ask Him for things. Do I ask and believe or do I ask and ask and ask, never expecting Him to really answer? Do I lay my burdens at His feet and leave them there or do I pick them back up on my way out of the throne room? Do I pray small, weak prayers because I doubt He’s going to answer me or do I pray strong, effective, powerful prayers filled with the knowledge of His love and His desire to pour His blessings out on me?

I look at my eyes, the window to my soul, and I search them…what do I see? I see two people…on the one hand, I see a girl who is still growing in her faith and, from time to time, fails to trust her Father – though He has proven Himself faithful to her time and time again. Then, on the other hand, I see Xena, the Princess Warrior, who is strong and faithful and steadfast. I go back and forth between these two extremes. I think many of us do. So what do we do about that? I did the only thing I knew to do…I hit my knees. I asked God, first of all, to forgive me for ever doubting Him. Secondly, I thanked Him for showing me the truth, once again, in the loving, caring way that only a Father can. And lastly, I prayed that He would help me be more consistent in my faith so that His will can freely be done in my life and in the lives of those that I pray for.