Sometimes, I just don’t know what I’m going to say. I feel the need to share something on my heart, but I don’t even know what it is yet. God is doing some things in my life and its shaking me up. I don’t know where we’re going or what we’re doing, but He does. I’m just trying my best to flow along with Him and allow Him to make the calls.
Its kind of scary to blindly follow the Lord. He almost always takes us someplace that makes us a little uneasy…at least that’s what it is at first. But then He shows us something or He brings us up to a higher level or He blesses us, and, eventually, the scary place isn’t so scary any more. So, I don’t know where this road is going, but I know that I’m on it with Him; and, whatever it is we’re about to do, it can’t possibly be as scary as my life would be if I tried to do it without Him.
I don’t know why I feel the need to know all the details anyway. Whatever is going on, its all for my ultimate good. But His curveballs still throw me off my game from time to time. I start questioning things and resisting things and analyzing things. And God almost seems to be laughing at me. Not a mean, making-fun-of-me laugh…just a chuckle with a slight head-shake–like you do at a little kid.
These blindfolded walks are pretty much His M.O. He did it to all kinds of people all throughout the Bible. Why should I be any different? Follow me and I will show you. Not, I’ll show you and then you can follow me; no, its follow and THEN you’ll be shown. He is definitely a God of mystery. He’s a God who loves it when people do what He says even when it doesn’t make any sense. He loves to throw stuff out there, just to see if we love Him enough to do it, even if it sounds crazy. And when we do it, I think it makes Him smile. Not if we do it perfectly, not if we do it without fear, just that we do it out of obedience to Him.
But, I guess the problem is…I feel like I should recognize this stuff by now and be stable and unshakable. Hmph. Do we really ever get to that point? I mean, seriously…unshakable? Probably not. If God can’t shake you up, then you’re probably dead.
I guess its just that some people just appear to be at that point. They have such an air of confidence about them. They seem to be robed in grace and they flow around all assured and trusting. At least that’s what they show the world. But, inside, I’m certain they still have times, like me, when they’re scared to death…when they’re questioning…when they’re unsure. They’re just better at hiding it than I am! lol.
See, I want God’s Will to be done in my life. He has given me some awesome visions of my future and I’m so excited to get there…but this journey I have to take to get to it…its full of unexpected twists and turns. Its full of tests of integrity and tenacity. But I think what it is these people who seemingly “have it all together” have that I’m still forgetting…I think its that they keep their eyes on the Lord. They are careful not to turn their attention to the world. We have to live here, but we are not supposed to be “of” the world, and these people who inspire me…they get that.
Oh, I get it, in theory. But each day is a constant battle to shut my mouth a little quicker, to ask God for help one time and then leave my problems before His throne, to consciously decide not to participate in ugly, complaining conversations. I don’t know who I think I have to hold a measuring stick up to in order to measure my worthiness. I don’t know why I think its any more easy or difficult for me than it is anyone else. I just have to remember, if God chose ME to do something, then He has given me all I need to do it. If God wants me to speak, He will give me the voice. If God wants me to go, He will send me. If God wants me to love, He will give me the heart. If God wants me to forgive, He will give me the compassion to do so.
So, I don’t know where I’m going. I don’t know what I’m doing. I’m just a girl who loves God and I’m trying my best, every day, to represent Him in the best way I know how. I’m a Chrisitain, but I’m not Jesus. I will still make mistakes. But I’m doing my best not to keep making the same mistakes over and over again. And I’m going to have to decide, right now, to quit trying to earn grace. And quit beating myself up when I’m not feeling “good enough.”
I’m trying to mature and grow into the beautiful woman my Father has created me to be, but I have to accept the fact that, first of all, I AM good enough because He says so; and, secondly, that I’m never going to be good enough but that just has to be okay. lol. If that makes any sense!
So, tonight, I’m asking, “God, pick me. Choose me. Send me.” and I’m willing to go and I’m willing to do, even when I’m afraid and unsure. And I think its that hunger I have for Him that pleases my Father so much. I’m not the smartest, funniest, strongest…but my love for Him, my desire for Him, my passion for Him…its strong. So, whatever You’ll have me do, Lord, I’ll do it. If it honors You, if it blesses You, just ask me and I’ll do it.
So we’re doing it–whatever “it” is–and I am not going to be an advisor. I’ll just be a participant in His plan. š
220 Gal 