I was just thinking about affairs. No, I’m not having an extra marital affair nor is my husband having one and I’m not considering taking one up…I’m just thinking, there’s a lot about affairs that people don’t understand. They’re common and they’re hurtful and they’re killing marriages and families…yet they keep happening. Why do people have them? What do they do to a person?
Affairs are often matters of the heart. They’re a response to the longing for a particular feeling that you can’t seem to find where you are right now. They’re often innocent enough to start out with, but then they turn into something else and they destroy people–those who are innocent (children) as well as those who are not. And the worst kind of affair is the affair you can’t, or won’t, admit you’re having.
Most often affairs start off as emotional affairs. A person longs for a long-lost connection with one person, so they dive headlong into other relationships, looking for the understanding and fulfilment they’re so desperately seeking. Maybe its a casual friend at work who seems to understand where you are and what you’re going through. Maybe its someone you share a common interest with. Its that person about whom you say, “Oh, it’s no big deal…they’re just a friend.” Its someone who fills a void in you that has no business doing so.
Slowly, you begin to seek that person out in order to soothe the gaping hole in your emotions. Then, the brokenness in both of you becomes a common crutch that you mistake for attraction. Then you start letting your thoughts dwell on that person and maybe you look a moment too long into their eyes and you feel excited and hopeful. Long gone are the days you shared moments like that with your beloved. So you go from a relationship that you’ve labored over–one that has a past, one that has given you emotional wounds and has been down a rough and bumpy road–and you see something new. Its shiny and full of hope and potential. Its a fresh start, a clean slate. There is no baggage here…
Oh, but wait…there IS baggage and you’ve got it loaded on your back. You’re carrying all the emotional junk from your previous relationship into this new relationship and the weight of it will likely be too much for something so young and new to bear. You’re bringing lies, mistrust, brokenness. You’re showing this new person, by leaving the old person, that you’re not one who will stick around when the going gets tough. How can this new person trust you, knowing what you did to the old person? Why would you not do the same thing to them? Maybe they’re doing the same thing to someone else.
Look, the problem is selfishness. Pure and simple. You’re looking for the easy way out. You’ve invested so much in yourself and your happiness and in what you want and what you think you need that you’ve forgotten about your spouse, their happiness, what they want, and what they need. When you first started your relationship, they were all you could think of. You would spend hours getting ready for the moment you would see them. Remember friends asking you where you’ve been because they haven’t seen you in so long because you’ve rearranged your schedule to make your world revolve around this person you loved. You did special little things to show them how much you loved them, how much you cared. Why did that stop? When did the transition take place that casued you to turn your focus from that other person to yourself? When did your personal needs become more important than what you shared together?
Life is hard. Marriage is full of ups and downs, but when you say you will love, honor, and cherish that other person all the days of your life–for better or worse, for richer or poorer, in sickness and in health–did you pause to really hear the words of that vow you made? Did you stop to consider that it was a solemn oath that you made? Did you give any attention to the covenant you were entering into? You promised, and now you want to give up? You want to throw away all the time and effort you’ve invested and start ALL OVER with someone else? Because any relationship you have from here forward is going to take that much more time, work, and effort.
I’m not saying a person who is being physically abused should stay in a relationship with their abuser. But, I AM saying, most of us give up all too easily. Our innermost thoughts say things like: What about me? What about my happiness? I’m tired of fighting. I’m tired of hurting. I’m tired of crying. Well, suck it up, buttercup. We’re all tired of fighting, of hurting, of crying, but getting rid of a human being you’ve vowed to love and cherish the rest of your life is not going to fix the problem. Loving a person through the tough stuff, helping them overcome, being the strength they need when they have none, being an encouragement to them when they feel like failures, being a hope in the darkness when they feel desperate…that’s where its at. That’s when real love enters the picture. When someone is at their lowest and you come along side them and say, “I may not like what’s going on here, but I’m going to love you through it.” That’s where it is. You’d do it for your friend…how much more so should you do it for your spouse…the one you committed to stand by for better or worse?! They’re supposed to be your BEST friend.
Please, stop throwing people away when you feel you’ve gotten all you can out of them. Stop thinking people are in your life to fufill your every need. Stop trying to get from people what you can only get from God. People will fail you every time. Love someone who is unlovely. Forgive the unforgivable. Stick it out when things get difficult. Do NOT take your problems outside of your marriage bed. If you have a bad marriage, discuss it first with God, secondly with your spouse, and, if it needs more help than that, only confide in a trusted advisor/counselor. Do not tell your best friend, the one who will always agree with you (You are not that perfect; I’ve never seen a marriage fall apart where only one person was solely and completely to blame.) And do not, DO NOT, DO NOT!, share your marriage woes with someone of the opposite sex. You are asking for trouble!
Affairs happen because we are lazy. They happen because we want something easy. They happen because we’re thinking only of ourselves. They happen because we have forgotten, or never acknowledged, the value, importance, and permanance of our marriage vows.
This is not coming from someone who has never made any mistakes. There was infidelity in my first marriage and we threw it away. There was infidelity and so much worse in my second marriage BUT, we chose to overcome it. We fought hard for our marriage. We overcame things that you would never believe you could ever really overcome. But with the grace of God and determined hearts, we forgave, we changed, we refocused our priorities, we learned how to love again, we learned how to do it right, and we beat the odds…and we continue to beat those odds as we choose to continue to do it again and again, every single day.
There are all kinds of affairs. Not all of them are sexual. Some people are having affairs with the television, putting TV shows above the needs of their loved ones. For some, its computers. For some its golf or sports or girls’ night out or children or careers or busyness. Its time for a realignment. Its time to put God first, spouses second, children and family third, and everything else behind that. Yes, I did say that our spouses should outrank our children. Its a tough pill to swallow for most of us, but the best thing you can do for a child is to love your spouse. It gives them a model to follow and a solid foundation for them to stand on as they grow.
I guess I’m just on a soapbox here. I’m just so tired of watching people throw away years and years of marriage, throw away people–human beings!–throw away the value of a solid home life on such nonsensical, passing fancies. “Oh, I’m sexually attracted to someone else.” Well, keep it in your pants and pour out those desires on your spouse. “Oh, they understand me.” No they don’t. You don’t even understand you, how can anyone else? “Oh, my spouse cheated on me.” Really? I’m sure that hurt. Nowhonestly examine the events that lead up to that infidelity and I’m 99% postive you’re going to find you played SOME part in creating the void in your spouse that made them so desperately seek out fulfillment from someone else. Its wrong. Its painful. But you CAN get over it. Ask elderly couples who have been married for 50-plus years…ask them what they’ve been through in their marriage. I’ll bet you, if they’re honest, they’ve had to deal with a ton of issues in their lives. They had to forgive and work through problems that others would have given up on. They had to fight to overcome things they weren’t sure they could survive.
Look at your spouse through God’s eyes. Let go of the past that you’re clinging to. Let go of “he said (insert offense here) 15 years ago and I’ll never forget it.” Why won’t you? What’s holding onto it doing for you? Let it go! Let go of the hurt. Let go of being some kind of martyr. Start all over and love them brand new. Start all over and make them feel appreciated, respected, and revered. Is that not what you want from them? It has to start somewhere…why not with you? The words, “I’m sorry” are not that hard to say. Talk to your spouse like you did when you were dating. Give them the attention and adoration you once did. It just takes a small spark to reignite a roaring fire. Be the spark. Be the change you want to see in them. Just get your eyes off of yourself for one, stinking minute and do the right thing.
*heavy sigh*
Okay, I guess I’m done here. Rest assured, I’m not judging anyone who is having marriage problems. If we’re honest, we all have marriage problems. I just beg of you, commit now to resolving them–whatever it takes. Its worth it; its soooo worth it.
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