The Struggle Within

So many times, I found myself, turned on my side in the fetal position…silent tears streamed down my face in the cold, dark, aloneness of night. My heart empty, aching, crying out for someone to love me…someone to care…someone to hear my cries and rush to me to help stop the flow. But I would cry myself to sleep, unaware You were always there. You tugged at my heart from time to time, but I failed to respond. Sometimes, I knew it was You. Other times, I didn’t. I just knew there was something…something not right with the way I was living…the way I was silently dying.

Funny, when I’m here and I say I would do anything to be happy, yet I keep You at bay. To the very Source of happiness, I say “No, not today. Surely I can find it on my own out here…somewhere.”

I just want someone to love me. As I push you further and further away. I know it’s out here. I haven’t found it yet, not even in these things I use to keep me numb, but I’ll continue to numb myself, because the numbness is better than the pain of knowing…there’s just something missing.

Still, You wait just outside the door. Never leaving, just waiting. Sometimes you knock, sometimes you stand silently, but you’re always there…waiting. Waiting on me.

How long must You stand there? How long can I ignore You, push You away, defy You, choose my selfishness over Your mercy, Your goodness, Your strength? As I spiral downward and You watch, there are tears that streak Your face. Your heart aches for me. Can’t I just see You? Don’t I know all You’ve done for me as You waited? Even as I pushed You away, You were devising yet another way to bring me into Your presence. Shunning Your great love, denying Your Mercy, pushing You back I shouted, “Stay away from me! Don’t You know I don’t want You? I’m mad at You?! How could You?!”

And I died a little more. My heart growing colder, blacker, and the confusion got worse. Demons in hell were laughing, celebrating, as I slid further and further down the slippery slope to damnation. But You stayed at the door, and You knocked again and again. “Don’t you realize how much I love you? Please. Please don’t do this. Just come home!”

But I allowed the call of the demons to overpower You. They were louder, more alluring. For I knew them, and I didn’t want to know You. The demons welcomed me. This life required nothing of me…nothing but my life. Torment felt like my friend. I deserved it, you know. All the things I had done. The life I had lived. I deserved it. No one who was good would ever want me. I’m defective. Broken. Lonely. Why am I lonely? Surrounded by people, I’m more alone than I ever was. No one could ever know what’s in my heart of hearts, the things I’ve been trying to kill. They just won’t die. If people knew that I wasn’t cold, without feelings, without tender places…they could access these things and hurt me. But they don’t know. Why do I, at some level, want them to know?

It’s You again. I don’t want to feel! Don’t make me feel. Please! It’s too much. More than I can bear. Please don’t make me feel! And there it is…that tender place, that fleshy spot that has not yet hardened. You just keep touching that spot, begging me to feel…wanting me to love…asking me to forgive, and to be forgiven. I don’t know how. From where I am now, how could You possibly…?

“I can.”

Falling, crushed beneath the weight of the burden that is too much for me to bear, I crash to the ground and I find myself at Your feet. Are You sure You can forgive me? Are you sure I haven’t gone too far? I’m so scared. I’m so scarred. This is too much. Help me.

And there it was…the invitation…the final laying down of all that had me bound. There it was…the weight removed from my shoulders and the hand, outstretched before me…”Follow me.”

As I weakly grasped that Hand, strength returned to me. I arose, and the shackles fell open. Chains fell heavy at my feet, and I stepped into the Presence. Oh, the Presence! Dear God, the Presence! It’s overwhelming. The tears that are flooding from my eyes…Your hand passes gently over them, wiping away the salt and the dirt and the shame and the fear. Your gentle, nail-pierced hands, now move to my jaw, cupping my face and lifting my head. As my eyes meet Yours, I want to look away, but You won’t let me. “No. There is no more shame, sweetie. There is no more shame. It’s over now. Okay? I promise. Its all over now. I’m so happy you’re here. I love you, baby girl, ” gazing more deeply, “I love you.”

Even after all I’ve done? After the things I’ve said?

“It is done.”

But I’m still me. I still have bad thoughts. I still have moments when I want to do things I used to do…when I DO things I used to do.

“I’ll help you with that as we go. Just come with me.”

Really? Just as I am?

“Just as you are.”

I’ve never known love like this. It’s a consuming fire. It’s joy when there is nothing to be joyful about. It is confidence and security in the face of fears. It is a wholeness in my brokenness. I can’t get enough of it.

Thank You for not giving up on me. Thank You for waiting so patiently. Thank You for all the times You stood at the door and continued to knock. Thank You for still being here with me, through all the highs and lows–You’ve never left my side. It’s been almost nine years, and I feel like we’re still on our honeymoon. Thank You, Jesus, for reinventing my life…for giving me a hope and a future. Thank You for loving me first and never giving up.