Whispered Lies and Painful Truths

“With my voice I cry out to the LORD; with my voice I plead for mercy to the LORD. I pour out my complaint before him; I tell my trouble before him. When my spirit faints within me, you know my way! Look to the right and see: there is none who takes notice of me; no refuge remains to me; no one cares for my soul. I cry to you, O LORD; I say, ‘You are my refuge, my portion in the land of the living.’” – Psalm 142:3-5 (ESV)

Recently, I was invited to a get-together, but I was unable to attend. After it was all over, I saw pictures from the event and, immediately I felt sad. Then, just as loud as if someone were sitting right next to me, I heard a voice say, “You don’t belong there.”

My initial thoughts and feelings agreed, as I inwardly regressed to an awkward junior high student who was often taunted and rejected or completely ignored by her peers. Flashing quickly across my mind and sinking into my heart, the voice continued, “Look at all those beautiful people. You’ve never really belonged in a place like that…with people like that. You have nothing in common with them…you don’t look like them or sound like them or act like them. They invite you because they have to. I bet they didn’t even notice you weren’t there. Who do you think you’re fooling anyway…trying to act like you belong there? You know you don’t–and so do they.”

It took me a minute to realize what was going on. You see, that voice is a familiar one. It’s been there since I was 12 years old. It’s the same one that used to grip me with fear and flush my cheeks with rosy-pink panic before I would have to stand in front of my classmates and give a speech with that shaky, timid, cracking voice. It’s the same one that makes my stomach churn with fear before entering large social settings…especially ones where I don’t know very many people or know what to expect once I get inside. It’s a voice that is almost always accompanied by a feeling of inadequacy, insecurity, of not quite being accepted or good enough…a feeling that has haunted me for the better part of my whole life. But I haven’t heard that voice, that strong, for years.

First of all, let’s be clear about whose voice that was. Quite simply, it was the Devil. So the next two questions naturally begging to be answered are: why and how did the Devil so easily slip those thoughts and feelings back into my heart and mind?

The “why” has an easy answer. He was trying to get me to feel the way I used to feel, because I was much more easily manipulated by him when I was insecure. When I’m feeling rejected by people, I tend to stay in my own quiet world, completely ineffective in God’s Kingdom. I don’t feel like anything I say could possibly matter to anyone. I sit in quiet corners and feel dumb and insignificant. This is exactly where the enemy would love to keep all of us…in place of silent fear…feeling neglected and unlovable. But this is not how God wants us to feel, because that is not how He made us and that is NOT who we are.

As for the question of “how…” well…that’s a more difficult one to answer. It’s not because I don’t know the answer, but because it’s because it reveals some terrible truths about my own failures. Part of the reason is simply because I allowed myself to become lackadaisical about guarding my heart and renewing my mind. The devil has been whispering negative things in my ear for months. At first, I was strong and I fought hard against them. But, as time wore on, He became more subtle and I became less diligent in fighting him, because everything in the natural pointed to his words being true. I felt justified in my anger and deserving of my pity parties. Before long, his lies sounded a lot like my own voice. Everything became all about my feelings and nothing was about what I KNEW to be true.

See, I’ve had some pretty severe shakings in the most significant areas of my life, and they all began to take their toll on how I felt about myself and–thanks to the devil’s input–I even began to wonder about God’s intentions toward me. If the truth be told, I doubted God was even hearing me. I wouldn’t have admitted that at the time…not even to myself…and I’m ashamed to admit it now, but my trust, somewhere along the line, shifted. I felt like my testimony was broken and my salvation had a crack in it somewhere. When my self-made systems of success began to fail, I felt like I was a failure–not realizing, I had been building my “house” upon shifting, unstable sand.

These are some really difficult things to admit. But I have to be honest about the lies that were going on in my head and in my heart. I let them linger too long. I let fear and panic and a sense of loss overwhelm me. This threw the door wide-open for feelings of depression and negative thoughts to run wild in my mind…an open door for Satan to walk right through.

Satan would tell me, “This is never going to work out. You’re such a screw-up. You knew better than to think you could do this; now you’ll just have to pay the price. You deserve the mess you’re in. No one really cares. There’s no help for this situation. You can’t do anything about any of it but pray your weak little prayers that God stopped listening to a long time ago.”

That last one hurt the most. I actually came to a place where my prayers WERE weak, and I did wonder if God could even hear me because they were so weak. I became overwhelmed with “what-ifs” and “when, God, when?” I questioned His timing and, not so much His ability, but His desire to work all of these things together for my good. I put a timetable on Him and, when it didn’t meet my expectations, I grew more and more frustrated and depressed.

These are such weird words for me. They haven’t described me for years. I began to let too many emotions spill out and I wasn’t doing anything to tell the Father of All Lies to shut-up and stop lying to me!

But, eventually, that voice of the enemy got a little too bold…a little too loud…and, while looking at those pictures of my FRIENDS, God enlightened me as to whom I had been listening to for far too long. It was like I suddenly snapped to consciousness, and I could see the faulty foundation upon which I had been building my hopes and dreams. Quite frankly, I was shocked they didn’t topple over sooner! But God is so good! I immediately had to repent, then I was sure to put the devil on notice…enough is enough! I’m FINISHED listening to YOU!

If God is not the main source of my sense of accomplishment, my fulfillment, and my joy, then whatever I’m doing is sure to fail. He is the only foundation I should ever build anything upon. People will fail us…situations will change…finances come and go. But, whether I’m abasing or abounding, I must remember to be content, on purpose, because I know, with the proper foundation, no amount of shaking can tear down the things God is building. THIS is the kind of thinking and speaking that keeps those doors shut tight, preventing Satan from coming in and telling old lies. THIS is where my strength lies…in knowing He is sovereign and nothing will overtake me without His permission and His plan to eventually use it for my good. THIS is where I should have been the whole, entire time.

The truth is: the people who invited me to that party invited me because they wanted me there. And, honestly, they ARE beautiful, but that’s not exclusionary to me. Created in my Father’s image (Genesis 1:27), I am also beautiful. I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14), with a bright future that was established for me before I was placed in my mother’s womb (Jeremiah 1:5), and it is no mistake that I am here, for I am God’s workmanship, purposefully placed here to do the work He has prepared for me to walk in (Ephesians 2:10). These are things I had to quickly remind myself of…AND the devil. I had to repent for worshipping false idols and for taking my eyes of the One who never loses sight of me. I had to go back, reevaluate my situations and decide, whatever the outcome of any of it, it was all in God’s hands and either I trust Him completely or I don’t believe in Him at all! That’s all there is to it. It doesn’t matter what my situations look like according to the world’s standards. If I end up dying at some point and all these things are still just as screwed up as they are now, or worse, it’s all okay because HE is my portion and HE is my prize. HE is the ultimate goal. This other stuff will one day pass away, but my love and trust in Him is eternal, as is His for me.

I’m only telling you all this so that you’ll be encouraged, when it’s your turn and the devil starts whispering in your ear…don’t give him any room to say even one more word. He’s a liar and his sole purpose is to try to kill you, steal from you, and destroy you. Don’t ever forget that. Don’t let your guard down for one moment and don’t let him whisper for very long. Pray for God to reveal to the Enemy’s schemes to you quickly, then be swift in fighting against them with the Word of Truth. Don’t linger in any feelings that don’t line up with the Word of God. Feelings change like the wind, but God’s love and goodness is forever.

I took me longer than it should have to realize what he was up to because of the way he came at me, but I see him now, and I’m not giving up. If everything on this earth went to Hell in a handbasket, I would still be okay because I’m trusting God for all of my final outcomes.

I’m sorry I took my eyes off of you, Lord. Nothing else matters. You are the very center of my life. Thank you for helping me see the truth. Your Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. You are my rock, my refuge, and my strong tower. I trust you, even when things don’t appear to be lining up the way I feel they should, I know that you are for me. Bless me, oh Lord, with a fresh filling of your peace that passes all understanding and your grace that is sufficient for all my needs. In Jesus’ mighty name, Amen.

“I have set the Lord continually before me; Because he is at my right hand, I will not be shaken.” – Psalm 16:8 (NASB)

Be on guard. Stand firm in the faith. Be courageous. Be strong. – 1 Corinthians 16:13 (NLT)