20 Things We’ve Learned Over the Past 20 Years

Before we exit the month of July and the time of celebration surrounding my 20th wedding anniversary, I wanted to share just one more thing from our vow renewal ceremony. So cuddle up to the one you love and enjoy this free advice! 🙂

20 THINGS WE’VE LEARNED OVER THE PAST 20 YEARS

Even though, to us, it really doesn’t seem like it’s been that long—at least not on most days *smile*—20 years of marriage is really kind of a big deal these days. So when we tell people we’ve been married for 20 years, we inevitably get the question, “What’s your secret?” Well, we don’t know if we have any real “secrets,” but these are the things that have helped us along the way. We’re still working on doing many of these things on a more consistent basis, but when we get it right, things are so much easier! So we just hope these little nuggets are a help to you as well, in whatever relationships you may have. These are in no particular order.

1. Love is a choice. It’s not a feeling; it’s not magical; it’s not easy; and you don’t really discover it in all it’s truth without a serious investment of time and effort. It’s literally choosing, every single day, to get over ourselves and allow one another the grace to be less than perfect.
    
2. Don’t put unrealistic expectations on another human being by pressuring them to do what only God can do. Our emotional fulfillment cannot come from one another. Only God can fill that longing for wholeness and peace from within.
    
3. Happiness should never be the goal of your marriage. Happiness is simply the by-product of a life lived well, by God’s grace, and in His strength. If you pursue happiness, you’ll never find it. But if you pursue the Giver of all that is good, goodness and mercy will chase you down and overtake you. We assure you, this is a much more rewarding pursuit!
    
4. Ask God to help you see the other person the way He sees them. When you see them with that kind of purity, you can’t help but be overcome with sincere compassion and a deeper love for them.
    
5. Submission is NOT a scoff-worthy, dirty word for weak people. It takes a great deal of strength to truly submit yourself to another person. This is not a form of oppression that cowers to the overbearing demands of an unjust ruler. It’s an act of confidence in Jesus. As we lay down our own agendas and simply trust the Lord for all our outcomes, the act becomes much less about another fallible human being and much more about obedience to Christ—and no one understands the laying down of one’s own life for another the way He does. As we seek to be like Him, we must be willing to humble ourselves before one another.
    
6. Don’t go to bed or leave angry. Just don’t. You don’t have to resolve the issue before going to sleep or leaving the house, just resolve not to be angry. Harboring resentment will just give your issues room to grow and fester. Realize that the heart of the person you have vowed to love for life is far more important that your insatiable need to be “right.” Say you’re sorry for your part in the argument and kiss good night or goodbye, whichever the case may be.
    
7. Forgive quickly and without expectations—which not only includes forgiving when no one has said they’re sorry, but it’s releasing the need for them to respond in order for you to still mean it. This is not letting someone get over on you. It’s more like freeing yourself from a deadly, bitter poison. Bitterness and resentment do nothing to the other person, but they can totally destroy you. Oh, and when you forgive, that means you don’t bring it back up later either. Just sayin’.
    
8. Seek first to understand, then to be understood. Listening is way more important than talking. You don’t have to have the answer to someone’s problems or solve their quandary. Often, holding someone quietly in your arms is a far better solution than any words your mouth could utter.
    
9. It’s okay to not have the last word. As a matter of fact, it’s important to learn how to NOT say anything until you feel your words will be more encouraging and edifying and helpful to the situation instead of exasperating someone in an already tense moment. As Lisa’s Grandma Davis always said, “The less said, the quicker mended.” She was so smart!
    
10. Pray together. There is strength and unity found in the intimacy of our prayers shared together. It may be awkward at first if you’ve never done it before. But we encourage you to really press into this one. It’s one of the best pieces of advice on this entire list.
     
11. Take an interest in the things that are important to the other person. If killing deer isn’t your game (no pun intended), at least be excited when your spouse gets one. Or if you don’t fancy yourself a writer, make an effort to read what your spouse writes and tell them your favorite part. And while we’re on the subject, it’s okay to have different interests and hobbies, but be intentional about keeping time with each other at the forefront…before any thing else…even your kids. It’s healthy for the kids to see Mom and Dad valuing each other. It won’t make them feel unloved. Quite the opposite, it will create a sense of safety for your kids. We know this sounds counter-cultural, but we promise, it’s important. After all, who’s gonna be there for you when the kids are grown, married, having kids, and starting their own lives? Think about it!
     
12. Always remember…you’re on the same team. Some marriages are steeped in a spirit of competition to see who will “win” the war. But if you just stop trying to “get yours,” and work together toward common goals, you’ll find life much easier and marriage much more enjoyable. After all, the Bible says that the “two” are joined together as “one.” In a relationship like that, there is no longer “his” and “hers.” Everything, good and bad, becomes “ours.”
     
13. Don’t ever, ever, ever badmouth your spouse to your parents, siblings, friends, or anyone! If you have a problem, keep it between the two of you and, if necessary, a trusted counselor or an unbiased accountability partner.
     
14. Remember the term “GIGO?” It stands for “Garbage in, Garbage out.” Marriage is the same way. You get out exactly what you put in. So be mindful of what you’re contributing to the relationship. Is it love, faith, confidence, and trust that  you are sowing or is it anger, division, secrecy, and jealousy? You will reap what you sow; that’s a law of nature and a promise from God.
     
15. Keep the lines of communication open. Please don’t try to hide things from each other…even if they’re really hard to talk about or admit. It’s better to deal with things quickly and honestly than it is to wait for them become destructive as they grow out of control. Secrets can destroy a marriage.

    Sidenote: When you spouse confides a difficult secret to you, please try not to react in shock or anger. Know how hard it was for them to open up, keep their confidence, and do what you need to do to get through it as a couple.
     

16. Compromise doesn’t mean you’re giving up your stance. It just means you’re willing to bend in order to meet in the middle for the sake of peace and unity. Again, the relationship is way more important than who is “right” or “wrong.”
     
17. Put the other person’s needs before your own. Your spouse is your number one priority, right behind your relationship with Christ. Treat them like the treasure they are.
     
18. Never stop dating. Having fun with the person you love reminds you of all the reasons you fell in love with them in the first place. Make your time together a priority…look at old pictures or watch old videos, go out, hold hands, dance close, “frolic,” and laugh like kids again. It’s great therapy!
     
19. Find a good, trustworthy couple with similar values and become accountability partners. Promise to pray for one another, encourage one another through the rough spots, and celebrate victories together.
     
20. Don’t use sex as a weapon or a bargaining tool. It’s a gift from God for married couples to ENJOY with one another. Treat it as such. It’s not a chore or a mindless act for personal gain. And, if you’re not yet married, PLEASE save this gift for your future spouse. There are SO MANY things you won’t have to deal with if you just don’t cheapen it by giving it away in an uncommitted relationship(s) that is void of God’s blessing. It’s so much better when done the right way!